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Understanding Abuse & Violence
Abuse Definitions
Gender-Based Violence (GBV): involves the use and abuse of power and control over another person and is perpetrated against someone based on their gender identity, gender expression or perceived gender. GBV encompasses more than physical violence; it includes any words, actions, or attempts to degrade, control, humiliate, intimidate, coerce, deprive, threaten, or harm someone. Forms of GBV include technology-facilitated (aka cyber or online), physical, sexual, societal, spiritual, psychological, emotional, and economic abuse, as well as neglect, discrimination, and harassment.
Family/domestic violence: any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, threatening, degrading and violent language occurring within the home setting. Domestic and family violence includes economic, physical, sexual, emotional, and psychological abuse of children, adults, or elders.
Intimate Partner Violence (IPV): includes physical, sexual, emotional, violence, threats of physical or sexual violence, stalking, emotional or psychological abuse by a current or former intimate partner. IPV is violence or abuse that happens within any marriage, common-law or dating relationship, at any time during a relationship, including while it is breaking down, or after it has ended.
Intimate Partner Violence Can Include
Emotional
One partner constantly insults the other, calling them "useless", “lazy”, “ugly” and "stupid," and blames them for all problems. They isolate their partner from friends and family, saying, "No one else cares about you." This relentless emotional abuse undermines their partner's self-worth and independence.
Physical
Physical violence can include hitting, kicking, choking, pushing and any other form of violence that causes physical harm.
Environmental
Includes throwing objects, punching holes in walls, driving dangerously with victims in the car etc.
Sexual
Sexual violence in intimate relationships can look different for each person and knowing some general themes can be helpful. For example, the person trying to control their partner will insist on not using birth control or controls decisions around reproductive health such as insisting on an abortion or insisting on carrying a pregnancy.
Being coerced or forced into sex despite not wanting to have sex is a form of sexual violence. As is saying things like, "If you loved me, you'd have sex with me right now."
Financial
It is very common for financial abuse to occur in abusive relationships. It can happen when the abuser controls income that comes into the house and is the sole decision maker on all financial issues. They control the food and personal care items purchased. They may also incur debt. Sometimes without the victim knowing. Sometimes the victim is forced to take on this debt in their own name which leaves them in a very precarious position once they leave the relationship because they are left with debt that may feel insurmountable. This may be coupled with an impacted credit score that creates uncertainty for accessing basic needs like housing.
Social
For some folks, leaving an abusive relationship means risking losing the community they are part of too. In addition, the abusive partner may intentionally cause harm to existing relationships within their community by attacking the character of the victim.
It is Very Common for an Abuser to Say Threats Like:
“If you leave…
“You’re never going to see your kids again”
“I’ll revoke my sponsorship and you’ll be deported back to…”
“I’ll seriously hurt you or kill you”
“I’ll hurt the kids/pet/family member”
OR
“If you tell...
“No one will believe you.”
“Children’s Aid will come and take the kids.”
“We’ll both get charged by the police.”
“The police will arrest me and then who will take care of you and the kids?”
If you are experiencing one, some or all of these things we are here to help.
Violence and Abuse Can Happen to Anyone
Abuse occurs across all cultures, races, ethnic groups, religions, ages, sexual orientations, gender identities, educational backgrounds, and income levels. Recognizing that abuse is happening in your romantic relationship, or in your home can be a painful process filled with doubt and fear.
There is a lot of information circulating on both violence and abuse. Piecing all the information together can feel like an impossible task, especially when you are trying to take care of yourself, your kids, dependent parents and/or pets.
Below are some definitions to support you in putting some of the pieces together:
Understanding Coercive Control: Recognizing and Addressing Hidden Abuse
There are many reasons why it takes a survivor several attempts to leave an abusive partner and environment. Much of it boils down to systemic barriers plus the confines created by the abusive relationship through coercive control. Plus, if there are children or pets involved or financial dependence has been created, then there may be a fear of leaving and the experience of feeling trapped inside the relationship.
Coercive control is an ongoing act or pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation, intimidation or other forms of abuse that is used to harm, punish or frighten a victim. The goal of this behaviour is to maintain control and/or power over another individual.
Coercive control can take a long time to recognize in a relationship because none of the acts done by the coercive and controlling partner are extreme. It is a bunch of seemingly trivial things that build up over time. It can start with small things like: choosing not to go out with friends or missing a family gathering that you would typically attend. You bought something just for yourself and they said something unkind that made you feel guilty for buying yourself something. It is the moments that leave you feeling bad about yourself or powerless and yet also unsure of whether or not you are imagining all of it – “feeling crazy”. This is coercive control.
Coercive control exists on a spectrum and as the level of control intensifies within the household the risk of serious harm and death increases, even if no threat has explicitly been made or no physical assault has taken place, a survivor knows intuitively that their safety is seriously at risk and every step and precaution needs to be taken as they are contemplating leaving. A survivor’s fear is a critical indicator of their risk of harm.
***The information on this page will be triggering to read for some. Please move through at a pace that feels good for you and access any of the resources we have listed to care for you and/or the person you are supporting.***
Think You Know Someone Experiencing Abuse?
You are not alone. There are supports available for folks impacted by violence.
Below are some tips for providing support to someone that has disclosed they want to leave an abusive relationship or think they may be in an abusive relationship.
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Believe survivors. Believe what is being shared with you and follow their lead. The person that has trusted you with their story knows how to keep themselves safe and has been doing so for a long time.
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Forget about timelines and finding out exactly what happened. Try not to ask too many questions that insist on a precise timeline – someone in survival mode will be able to share important information relevant to keeping themselves safe, however, timelines may be challenging to recount.
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Assess safety risks. Recognize that leaving is the most dangerous time and safety planning around this time is most critical.
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Access local resources that can guide you through the steps of leaving an abusive partner. Connect with UAHO and get real time support.
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Maintain confidentiality. Ask survivor if there are any trusted individuals to get in contact with and be sure of what information you are allowed to share and what must remain confidential.
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Prioritize person-centered care. Identify and share the resources and supports that will be most supportive to the individual experiencing abuse. Are they queer? What language do they communicate best in? Is legal advice being requested? Will counselling be needed for children or elders?
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Affirm and accept. Remind the person you are supporting that it is not their fault and accept them for the decisions they make without any judgement.
*** If you are supporting a friend or family member in leaving an abusive relationship it is critical that you have resources and people that you can lean on to support you as providing this type of support can be challenging***
Signs, Feelings & Behaviours
Do you recognize any of these signs, feelings and/or behaviours?
Key indicators of intimate partner violence, both physical and emotional. Below are some signs, feelings and/or behaviours that could indicate intimate partner violence and/or coercive control.
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Feeling like you’re walking on eggshells
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Isolation; not going out with friends to “keep the peace”
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Getting the silent treatment or being yelled at
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Not seeing family; abuser initiates conflicts or has sudden illnesses arising before planned family events so that you are forced to stay home
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Humiliates you in front of friends, family or co-workers and then say you are ‘over reacting’
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Will say things like “I can’t live without you” or “You are my world” or “You would be nothing without me” or “You can’t live without me”
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You may notice that you: startle easily; are unable to focus; over explain or apologize a lot; have suicidal thoughts or wish you weren’t here.
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Lying about or minimizing events to protect abusive partner.
Impact on Survivors and Those who Have Experienced Gender-Based Violence
It takes a community to heal from abuse.
Impact of domestic/IPV violence on survivors and families:
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Debt that impacts a survivor’s financial health & stability for several years to come
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Emotional and physical wounds for survivor and their dependents that can take a very long time to heal
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Disruption to school and community connections for children
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Loss of faith based communities
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Disruption to work and/or studies
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Loss of connection to family and/or friends
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Decline in overall well-being: weight gain/loss; desire to withdraw & isolate; loss of pleasure in typically enjoyable activities, hobbies or events; distrustful or paranoid, especially around new people; insomnia (not sleeping) or hypersomnia (sleeping a lot more than usual); headaches; body pain; inability to concentrate and difficulty completing usual daily tasks and the list goes on.
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